


nott the brave: supernanny

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: me sobbing about critical role [15]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Babysitting, Cuddle Pile, Flowers, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kid Fic, Light Angst, Sleep Deprivation, Spells & Enchantments, Temper Tantrums, Toddlers, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, as was beau but more lowkey, caleb was a precocious child, wacky spell hijinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-10-26 14:51:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17747945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: A spell turns every member of the Nein except Nott into toddlers, and she has to keep them alive until the spell wears off





	1. oh gods they're all toddlers

**Author's Note:**

> edited 4/26/19

Nott doesn’t know how it happens. One minute, she’s bedding down with Caleb after yet another scavenging trip through some wizard’s lair. The next, she’s being woken up by the sound of a child screaming (she’s very familiar with the sound). She bolts up out of bed, and is confused when she doesn’t see any enemies. Then she feels a tugging on the bottom of her coat (odd, she’s the shortest one here) and sees a tiny, chubby half orc staring up at her with watering eyes.

“Where am I?” asks the tiny version of Fjord, and Nott stares, wide-eyed and silent. She drags her eyes away from the impossible sight before her and looks around the camp. In Beau’s bedroll is a tiny shape, flopped across the ground and still shrieking like a banshee. Slightly to her left, a small blue tieflings with two pigtails is staring at Beau, and there’s a pile of grey fur that looks very familiar, if much, _much_ smaller than she’s used to, and there’s Yasha, and she looks over to her side and sees a miniature Caleb half-buried in his coat, somehow managing to sleep through the racket. She turns back to Fjord. Baby Fjord, who has started crying but quietly, and he’s looking at her with those big eyes, and then she decides, _fuck it_ , and picks him up.

She rests him on her hip, the same way she used to with Luke and has to breath deeply for a second as the memories bombard her. She takes a deep breath, and then marches over to comfort Beau. The instant she sees her, the screaming stops, but a stubborn frown appears on her face. “Who’re you? You’re not my nanny! Where am I?” and, oh joy, she has even less tact now. “Well, Beau, you’ve been hit with a spell, and since I’m the only adult around, I’m going to have to take care of you, okay?”

And Nott can see the fear lurking in the back of those bright blue eyes. Even with Beau’s rough personality, five (or so, she’s not great with human ages, it looks about right) year olds can only handle so much, and Nott imagines waking up in a strange place and having no memory of getting there is pretty scary. There’s a nagging itch in the back of her mind to go check on the others, and she’s trying not to dwell on the fact that she’s going to have to manage _six toddlers_ for however long it takes for this spell to wear off (gods, she hopes it’s going to wear off, she has no way of dispelling it).

Beau looks less like she’s on the edge of a tantrum, so Nott sets Fjord down on the bedroll next to her. “Okay, Fjord, sweetheart, this is Beau. Why don’t you get to know each other, huh?” He’s stopped crying by now- probably helped by the fact that Beau has stopped screaming, and she gently wipes the tears from his face. “There, there, you’re all right,” she says, and turns to Jester.

She’s so small, but looks so similar it takes Nott’s breath away. Her horns are small, the tips just barely visible through her hair, which is pulled into two little pigtails. She’s playing with her tail as she watches Nott. “Hey, Jester, come here, okay? I’m going to start a fire soon and we don’t want you getting cold, eh?” Nott’s a little nervous, not used to Jester being silent for so long. She pulls Jester’s bedroll over towards Beau and Fjord, who seem to have struck up some sort of conversation, thankfully, and digs through Jester’s pack to find her sketchbook and paints. She hands them to Jester, who lights up at the sight of them. “Here you go, why don’t you color for a bit?”

“Thank you!” she says, before grabbing the supplies from Nott’s hands and going to town. Next, Nott turns to Yasha, who is awake and watching Nott warily. She doesn’t protest, though, when Nott picks her up and moves her bedroll towards the central area she’s created (it’ll be easier to manage them all if they’re all in the same area, she can’t keep running around the camp) She sets Yasha down next to Jester, and watches as the quiet girl sneaks glances at Jester’s drawings until the little tiefling shifts to give her a better view.

Thankfully, both Caduceus and Caleb are still asleep, and are moved with no problem, though Caduceus ends up somehow wrapped around Caleb when she turns her back for two seconds to start a fire. She does take a few seconds, though, to look at little Caleb. His red hair is a floppy mess, and he’s positively covered in freckles, even more visible now due to the lack of dirt. Eventually, Fjord and Beau talk themselves out, and fall asleep, leaning against one another. Jester ends up with her face mushed into her sketchbook, and Yasha is dozing next to her. Nott stays on watch until sunrise, which thankfully isn’t that long, given she’d been woken up at sometime in the middle of the night.

She can feel the exhaustion nipping at her heels already though, and knows they need to find an inn. There’s no way they can stay out in the wilderness, not with her being the only adult. She brings out the map- thankfully, Alfield’s not that far away. A couple days travel, four at most. She sighs, thinking about the implications of bringing six toddlers on a road trip, and sighs again because she has no other choice.


	2. the road to alfield

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this is so much fun

They’ve been travelling for just over an hour, and Nott is trying _very hard_ not to scream. It started out fine, mostly. Fjord and Beau were walking together, and Jester had joined the two of them, dragging Yasha along. They’d chatted amongst themselves for awhile, and Caleb and Caduceus seemed content to simply follow along. But then, Caduceus had seen some sort plant, or _something_ , and had wandered off to go look at it, and Nott hadn’t noticed because Caleb would not stop asking her questions about everything. Then, she was panicking because she’d _lost one_ , and the kids had picked up on her anxiety, and Fjord started crying, and then Beau wouldn’t listen to a word she said because she blamed Fjord crying on her, and Caduceus was still missing-!

Thankfully, he hadn’t wandered too far, and she found him sitting on the ground, staring at an anthill and petting the grass. They’d rested there for a while, Nott trying to soothe Fjord and Beau, and eventually emotions calmed.    

“Alright, I guess we’re camping here for the night,” and oh, she’d hoped they would’ve traveled farther than this, and _gods_ , she really wished they still had a cart, or some horses at least, but, well, best to just focus on getting to Alfield. “Who’s hungry?”

Everyone falls asleep fairly quickly, except Caleb. The tiny redhead stares at her, then, in a way thicker Zemnian accent than she is used to, said, “You have to read me a story. That’s what Mutti always does. I can’t sleep without one,” and Nott sighs, because, _of course_ , but smiles, because, _of course_ her boy needs a story to sleep. It takes her a second, but she pulls up a story she used to tell to Luke, back in Felderwin. He falls asleep curled up on her lap, and she allows her tears to fall, quietly, because he reminds of Luke _so much_ , and then she pulls herself together and concentrates on watch. But she doesn’t move Caleb onto a bedroll, and if she runs her claws through his hair, well, there’s no witnesses, are there?

The next few days are somehow even more stressful than the first. Jester asks her, halfway through the third day, “are we there yet?” and by the time she can see Alfield on the horizon she knows she will never be able to hear the phrase again without wanting to rip her own hair out.

However, she also learns quite a bit about her companions over the journey. Caleb is still a knowledge sponge, but he’s much louder about it. He has a seemingly endless list of questions, most of which Nott has never even thought about, let alone have the answers to. Fjord is… softer, if that makes sense? He cries very easily, and often seeks out hugs. He’s certainly the one who she ends up carrying most often. It makes his fast friendship with Beau even odder.

Beau is still the paragon of defiance, never asking for help, even when it’s blatantly obvious she needs it. But, when she has a nightmare one night, she doesn’t stop Nott from cradling her head whispering reassurances. Yasha is still quiet, and almost never causes trouble. In fact, she’s a perfect child. It’s this that worries Nott the most. Children aren’t supposed to be perfect, they’re supposed to be little monsters that cause trouble, and ask too many questions, and run off to look at flowers. She wonders what happened to Yasha that she’s so quiet before she’s even a decade into her lifetime.

Caduceus is an adorable pile of fluff, and so quiet that she never notices him wandering off to go look at a beehive, or a sparkle he saw in the distance, or a cool-looking plant. It drives her mad with panic- so much so that after the fifth time, she goes digging through their packs, to find some rope. She ties it gently around his waist, and then loops it around her wrist. She gives him a stern look. “If you want to go looking at something, ask me first, Caduceus, okay?”

He looks at her with his wide eyes, and says, “Ok.”

She narrows her eyes in suspicion, but continues on. Jester is the same ball of candy-loving energy, and trying to get her to eat their, frankly, rather _disgusting_ travel food is a _pain_. Thankfully, after raiding Jester’s bag a second time, Nott discovers some stale pastries she uses to bribe the little blue miscreant.

They reach Alfield after five days, and Nott feels about ready to keel over. She heads over to the building she knows Bryce works at. She gets a weird look from the human manning the desk, and imagines they make quite a sight- her, a goblin, leading around six toddlers of varying colors and species, and has to stifle a hysterical giggle. “Um, yes, is Watchmaster Bryce in? The- er, Mighty Nein are here to see them,” she says, and is told to _wait here, please, I’ll go see if they’re available_

After a few minutes, Nott hears the familiar voice of Bryce, as they enter the lobby. “Ah, my friends it is so good to see- oh? Um,” and Nott dedicates the look on their face to memory because it is _priceless_ , and a joy in these trying times. “Er, Nott? What has- happened?”

Nott tells the story of the past few days, and gods if it isn’t a weight off her shoulders to have someone else in on it. And, yes, she can admit it got a little rant-y at the end, but considering she’s been wrangling six toddlers on the road for the past five days, she thinks she’s rather justified!

Bryce blinks with wide eyes after she finishes. “Oh, well. I’d invite you to my home but I’m afraid I don’t have enough space for all of you. I could, um,” Nott interrupts, too tired to care about niceties at the moment. “I’m going to put us all up at the inn, don’t worry. But if you could come over tomorrow and watch them for awhile? I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in nearly a week.”

“Of course, I can take tomorrow off,” Bryce gives her an apologetic look, “I’m sorry, but I really must be getting back to work. I will come to the inn at… noon? Does that work?”

“Yes! Yes, that’s great. _Thank you_ , Bryce,” Nott says, and begins herding the kids out, towards the inn. Well, that’s one problem taken care of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -fjord is a soft, sensitive boy, and i love him  
> -caduceus is also soft and just wants to hug some trees.  
> -i considered putting them all on child leashes, but then i imagined that scene in movies where a dogwalker is walking like seven sheepdogs and then they all spot a car, but with six toddlers  
> -poor yasha. somehow i dont imagine she had the greatest childhood  
> -jester. oh jester, you blue little tornado of chaos, you  
> -caleb as a child is the greatest thing to me. just, all day, like; "why's the sky blue?" "how come i'm not green too?" "why do you have so many teeth?" but in a very thick german accent  
> -i thought about having Caleb just not speaking in common at all, but decided to spare poor nott  
> -bryce has not truly comprehended what they've agreed to, yet. but they will. they will :)))


	3. poor bryce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yknow that scene in the incredibles where kary's on the phone and she looks like she's come out from a warzone, and she's casually blocking all of jack jack's powers. like, exhaustedly holding up a mirror when he uses his laser eyes n stuff? thats bryce rn, the poor soul, they did not know what they signed themselves up for

Nott thanks Bryce again, reminding them that she’ll just be sleeping in a room a few doors down. Bryce nods politely, but they can see that the poor woman’s exhausted, and it’s only a few kids, for what, six hours? They’ll be fine, they’re sure.

Nott leaves, and Bryce finds themself being stared at by six children. “Well, hello. My name is Bryce,” they say, kneeling down, so as to not loom over the little ones.

* * *

 

Bryce’s normally loose blonde hair is pulled into a messy bun on the top of their head, as they grab Jester’s shoulder to stop her from “rearranging” a shelf for the seventh time. There aren’t many things to do in Alfield, but _anything_ is better than trying to keep six very bored, very well-rested toddlers trapped in a room together. At this point Bryce’ll take their chances with the gnolls.

They’d acquiesced to the children’s demands to go outside after four hours. Within those four hours, though…

Beau had refused to sit still, constantly climbing on and over every bit of furniture in the room, and soon enough, the literal walls. Bryce had had to keep one eye on her always, to make sure she didn’t fall and break anything. Jester, at first, had been happy to draw in her sketchbook, but then _something_ had set her off, and she’d decided to start singing at the top of her lungs in what Bryce could only assume was Infernal.

This upset Yasha, who wanted to go outside and pick flowers, and as soon as Yasha mentioned ‘flowers’ and ‘outside’ Caduceus perked up and started looking at them with these big eyes, and throughout all of this Caleb hadn’t once stopped asking them all sorts of _questions_ , many of which were about magic, which Bryce knew nothing about, and apparently their lack of knowledge irritated the little boy, because he started speaking only in Zemnian, a language Bryce _didn’t speak_ , and he wouldn’t respond to anything they said.

Jester managed to rope Fjord, and then the others into her campaign for them to go explore- Yasha and Caduceus joined quickly, because exploring meant flowers- and, well. Bryce had given in. There’s only so much chanting a half-elf can take.

Now, they’re on their way to Bryce’s house, because it may be small but at least a new environment might keep them distracted for awhile, and Bryce is _pretty sure_ they don't have anything dangerous lying around. They are about halfway there when Bryce realizes they are missing one. “Oh- Oh no,” they mutter to themselves, as they start counting, and then realize they aren’t just missing _one_ but _two_. Both Yasha and Caduceus are missing, and Bryce has _no idea_ where they are. They could be _anywhere_ in Alfield!

Bryce takes some deep breaths, and looks at the four children in front of them. None of them look particularly concerned, which probably means they’d helped the two sneak off, and wouldn’t be much help. So, Bryce hoists up Beau and Caleb so they could sit on their shoulders, and grabs the hands of Fjord and Jester. It's quite a sight, seeing the Watchmaster walk into your shop carrying four kids and asking if you’d seen two others, but the residents always try to be helpful. _Finally_ , someone recalled seeing two little ones sitting around in a flower patch to the south, and Bryce wanted to kick themselves. _Of course, the only thing those two have in common_ , they think to themselves, and they head out.

It is only a few minute’s walk out from town, and thankfully nowhere near the gnoll mine. Bryce stops a few feet away, watching the two young ones play. Caduceus and Yasha both have flowers haphazardly braided into their hair, and at the moment, Caduceus appears to be telling Yasha about some funny thing his older brother had done once. Yasha has a wider smile on her face than Bryce has ever seen, and they sigh, losing any residual anger at the two’s disappearance act.

“Well, it’s about time to go back to the inn,” Bryce says, announcing their presence. The two kids jump, and turn to look guiltily at them. “But- I suppose a few more minutes can’t hurt.”

They let Beau, Caleb, Fjord, and Jester free, and the group mucks around in the flowers for awhile, as Bryce takes a seat nearby. They suppose _this_ part is nice, but they are never babysitting ever again.

* * *

 

They herd the kids back to the inn without too much trouble- the sun has started to set and they’ve tuckered themselves out quite thoroughly. Nott walks into the room as the kids start settling down.

“Thanks again, Bryce, for taking them for the day- did anything happen? I know they can be wild,” Nott says.

Bryce freezes for a moment, but says, “No, no, they were fine. We went for a walk and it was nice,” _no need to trouble her right now_ , they think, and Nott chuckles but doesn’t press. Bryce gets up to go home, but before they can make it out the door, they have six toddlers wrapped around their legs. A chorus of “Byeeee Bryceeeee,” and Bryce leans down to pat them all gently on the head. “Goodbye, Mighty Nein,” they say, and head home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry this is late the writer's block for this was a bitch


	4. a day trip and a good ol' fashioned cuddle pile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nott and the kids go on a trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, we've come to the end. this was such a joy to write.  
> (i *swear* i'm working on the goblin & the alchemist, it'll be updated soon.)

The next day, Nott forces herself to get up with the sun. She’s not nearly as well rested as she’d like to be, but at least the reprieve from Bryce was something. She quietly sets up the alchemy station in the corner of the room, and puts the mixture on. It’s easy and familiar, and memories clamor at her mind, but she pushes them away. Just because the recipe’s familiar is no excuse to do it wrong. The acid is delicate, and it needs to be finished before the kids wake up. Thankfully, it doesn’t take very long, and she finishes one vial just as the yawns begin. She tucks it discreetly away.

She thinks today is going to be an outside day. She’d much rather get their excess energy out of the way now, rather than have it be taken out on the furniture (or her) later. At the pronouncement of an outing, they all scramble to get ready. She checks on all of them, making sure their clothes are on correctly and that they all look (mostly) presentable. Beau is already squirming with impatience, and so is Fjord, though with slightly more subtlety. After fixing the buttons on Caleb’s shirt, she straightens up and announces,

“Time to go!”

The first stop is the stable. Alfield’s not big by any means, but she needs mounts and has the money to make the loss worth it. She can’t keep traveling with them on foot, and she has no idea how long the spell will last. Two horses should fit all of them, with a little squeezing. Thankfully, none of them are much bigger than her.

The stable’s all the way across town, and they pass by the Watchmaster’s office on the way. Caduceus tugs on her shirt when they pass, asking, “Can we visit Bryce?” and the rest turn and give her wide, pleading, eyes. She puts one hand on her hip and stares them down.

“Not right now, they’re working,” she says, and raises a hand to forestall any complaints, “ _But_ , maybe later tonight we can go say hello.”

This brings the smiles back onto their faces, and gains her a hug from Caduceus. Unfortunately, he’s a clingy little firbolg, and she has to pick him up in order to continue walking, which leads to whines that she’s only picking _him_ up, and by the time they’re reached the stables, she’s held everyone at least once.

The teenage stable hand that sees them enter looks a little overwhelmed at the number of children, which brings  a smile to Nott’s face. “Hello, I’d like to see the stable master, please.”

The girl nods, and rushes into the back. It doesn’t take very long before an older, grey skinned human woman walks into the front.

They back and forth on price for awhile, before the stable master smiles tiredly. “You drive a hard bargain, Miss Nott. How soon did you say you needed these two?”

“Not immediately, but within the next few days, if that works?”

The woman _hmms_. “Why don’t you give a day to think it over, eh? Come back around noon tomorrow and you’ll have an answer.”

Nott grins at the response. “You’ve got a deal,” she turns to the kids, who are starting to get restless- Jester is slowly inching towards the back of the counter, “Alright everyone, time to go!”

She makes sure they all line up in front of her as they head out. She takes a second to orient herself- “the store’s.. that way, I think…,” she mutters quietly, and herds the kids in that direction. She needs to get them some kind of toys, because life on the road is, if nothing else, boring as hell. They’re halfway there when Nott notices a suspicious lack of sound. She turns to survey the kids. Jester is pestering Caleb about something, Caduceus is… cloud watching? And Yasha is holding his arm, and… Fjord and Beau are huddled together, whispering like mad, holding... something.

They don’t notice her walking towards them until it’s too late. “And what’s this?” she asks, scooping the rat out of Beau’s hands. The tiny monk frowns and tries to grab it back, but Nott’s quick. “Hey! Give him back! I found him!” the little girl cries, and Nott is alarmed at the tears in her eyes. “Beau, sweetheart, where did you find him?”

Her gentler tone calms the girl down slightly, though the sniffles continue. “He was laying on the ground, and he was all alone, and I didn’t want him to get eaten!” Beau says, voice a mixture of defiant and upset.

Nott pulls out the rat and looks it over. The fur is cleaner than she’d expect, and it doesn’t look diseased. She reaches out to gently grab one of Beau’s hands, and then sets the rat into it. Beau’s eyes widen, and she looks at Nott with surprise. “I… can keep him?” she asks, voice shaky.

“As long as you’re careful, and are responsible with him, yes, you can keep him. Does he have a name?”

Beau blinks, as though the idea hadn’t occurred to her yet. She pulls over Fjord and shouts for Jester and Caleb to join them, and Yasha and Caduceus both wander over as well. Nott slows the pace of the group so the little ones can talk and walk.

Beau marches up to her just as they reach the store. “His name is Zeus, ‘cause Caleb said that means cute in Zemnian,” she says, her face scrunched up determinedly.

“It’s pronounced _süß,_ ” Caleb says, but he’s smiling as well.

Nott gently strokes the head of the rat. “Well, hello Zeus, welcome to the family.”

Beau stows the rat into one of her pockets, with only his snout sticking out. As they enter, Nott looks at all of the kids. “Alright, we’re going to walk the whole way through the store, and I want all of you to pick out something you want, okay? Everyone gets _one_ thing.”

Caleb picks out what appears to be an annotated textbook on local history and legends, but he looks very excited about it so she doesn’t say anything. Jester finds a small, leatherbound coloring book. Caduceus immediately heads for a floppy, handmade straw hat that’s a couple sizes too big. Yasha finds a book with pictures of the local flora, and hugs it possessively to her chest. Beau finds a pair of leathery, fingerless gloves in just her size. Fjord picks out a miniature ship-in-a-bottle and appears to be deep in thought as to how it was made.

The kids are quiet on the way back to the inn, tired and focused on their new gifts. When the group reaches the room their staying in, instead of heading to each other’s bedroll, they all pile up on the bed (after gently setting down their toys). Beau takes Zeus out of her pocket and makes a miniature bed for him near the headboard. Nott is faced with six pairs of expectant eyes, and she sighs happily. “Cuddle pile it is, then,” she says, and sheds her satchels. She climbs up onto the bed, and the kids pile on top of her, and soon enough she couldn't move if she wanted to.

It’s not long before the kids conk out, and Nott follows soon after.

* * *

 

Nott wakes up, and she can’t breathe. “ _Mmmmpphhh!!_ ” is the only noise she can make, as she tries to wriggle out from the suffocating mass. There are several _thump-thump_ noises, and then a chorus of groaning, that Nott doesn’t hear over her gasping breaths. Once she’s no longer in danger of suffocation, she looks down, and realizes what happened.

Lying on the floor is one fully grown firbolg, human, and half orc, and the other three are waking up from their positions curled around or on her legs.

“Nott? What the fuck?” Beau says.

The only thing Nott can think to say is: “Your rat is near the headboard.”

Soon enough, everyone is awake, and Nott explains what happened. After a few minutes, the fogginess clears, and it turns out they remember everything. Nott delights in the embarrassment present on everyone’s faces, that only gets worse when she starts commenting on their young personalities.

She does notice, later, though, that no one throws away the toys they’d bought. It makes her smile, and is she occasionally uses the ‘mom tone’ on Fjord just to see him freeze, well. She’s allowed _some_ pleasures in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -nott totally uses the mom voice on the group and Every Time it works. she cackles  
> -your comments are lovely

**Author's Note:**

> -i hc that beau was taught from her parents to scream if she was ever kidnapped/hurt as a kid. so thats why she did that  
> -next chapter will feature more interactions as it's essentially the road trip episode  
> -comments feed me, y'know. if u feel like it, leave one :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Small](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18010193) by [DarkHorseAsh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkHorseAsh/pseuds/DarkHorseAsh)




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